When you’re young, it’s hard to imagine your mother as a fully-realized person. She’s just Mom.
As you get older, though, you might start to see your parents as humans, with joys, regrets and insecurities (like you).
But how well do you actually know the woman you call Mom? And when’s the last time you asked her a question that prompted a long, contemplative answer?
“Good questions complicate an individual, instead of reinforcing the idea that we’re one thing,” said Priya Parker, author of “The Art of Gathering.”
A thoughtful question, she added, “builds connection and empathy, by reminding us that we’re all trying, and we’re complex.”
For Mother’s Day, The New York Times asked psychologists, researchers and communication experts for questions that will inspire rich, satisfying conversations with your mother — or any loved one you’d like to know better.
How to get started: Make a date with your mother, and try to set aside at least 20 minutes for the conversation. You can ask the questions below in order, or pick and choose. Even one question at the end of a quick call could deepen your relationship.
History and Memories
Your mother had an entire existence before you came along. These questions will bring that part of her to life.
Who made you feel seen when you were growing up?
— Priya Parker, author of “The Art of Gathering”
What major event or realization shaped who you are?
— Roni Cohen-Sandler, clinical psychologist and author of “Anything But My Phone, Mom!”
Of all the living people you’re no longer in touch with, who is the person with whom you were the closest? Why aren’t you in touch anymore?
— Eli J. Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University
When did you realize you were a grown-up?
— Prentis Hemphill, therapist and author of “What It Takes to Heal”
When you were a kid, what did you find exciting about the prospect of getting older?
— Eli J. Finkel
Who was your closest friend when I was a baby?
— Jaimie Arona Krems, associate professor of psychology at U.C.L.A.
Motherhood
You and your mom had different experiences of your childhood. These questions are your chance to hear her perspective.
What’s something you swore you’d never do as a parent but did anyway?
— Priya Parker
What’s the worst advice you’ve ever received about motherhood?
— Jessica A. Stern, assistant professor of psychological science at Pomona College
What’s a phrase that has kept you afloat during hard times?
— Prentis Hemphill
What do you love most about being a mother now?
— Karen Fingerman, professor of human development and family sciences at U.T. Austin
Your Relationship
Don’t worry: These questions are gentle.
Thinking back over the past few decades, what advice do you have for me as I grow to be your age?
— Laurence Steinberg, author of “You and Your Adult Child”
What are some of your favorite memories of the two of us?
— Dr. Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at N.Y.U.
Was there a specific moment in my life that you didn’t know how to handle? What did you end up doing?
— Priya Parker
Life Right Now
You’re not the same person you were decades ago — and neither is your mom. These questions will help you get to know her.
What is something you’ve learned about yourself in the last six months?
— Dr. Vicki Jackson, chief of palliative care and geriatric medicine, Massachusetts General Hospital
What is one thing we must do together and start planning for now?
— Dr. Sue Varma
Can you tell me about a difficult emotion you’ve been dealing with lately?
— Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital
Is there anything you do that seems mundane on the surface but has turned out to be sacred for you?
— Prentis Hemphill
What’s something you still haven’t figured out? What are you still wondering about?
— Dr. Vicki Jackson
How can we spend meaningful time together?
— Erin Engle, psychologist with NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center
Just for Fun
Is your mom full of surprises? You’re about to find out with these questions.
Did you have any nicknames when you were younger that I don’t know about? What’s the story behind them?
— Erin Engle
What was your favorite outfit growing up, and why?
— Priya Parker
If our family created a time capsule and you had to choose one item to include for future descendants, what would that item be, and why?
— Dr. Judith Joseph, author of “High Functioning”
What are some of the most memorable songs in your life, and what do they mean to you?
— Alison Wood Brooks, professor at the Harvard Business School and author of “Talk”
If you could redo any period in your life, what would it be, and why?
— Anthony Chambers, psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University
What is your favorite compliment to receive, and why?
— Alexandra Solomon, therapist and author of “Love Every Day”
What did you learn about your mom that you didn’t know? Share it in the comments!
